t is funny how your memories are snapshots of people, places and feelings you acquire while living. This holiday has been so very special for me. It is like I have come out of a long slumber and truly just began living my life on my own terms for the first time. I think we as women, tend to live our lives for others; making allowances for bullshit and “sucking it up”. I stopped “sucking it up” permanently a little over year ago. And this gal I continue becoming, is still a wonderful mystery to me.

This year was marked with firsts. These firsts included: my teen living apart from me, buying my first Christmas tree in years, helping build a real gingerbread house, getting a freaking snuggie that has since been taken over by my teen (who LOVES it), roasting my first turkey in years, wrapping Christmas presents by myself and loving it, Prada glasses, making my first toy “Justin” ever with teen and most importantly quieting all the fear that has chased after me for so long. It is so nice to regain control of my mind, body and spirit.

My two-week visitation with my teen is coming to close and it feels a little bittersweet. This time, it is more sweet than bitter and I am taking all these little snapshots of the memories and feelings I acquired this holiday season and tucking them away in my heart so that I can enjoy them always. Life is continuous. Happiness is a choice. These are not anecdotes, rather ways of thinking that allow us to grab life and enjoy the ride. Giddity up.

You know when you forget something, something you were in fact supposed to forget and then remembered. It is like déjà vu, only you know you experienced the shit at some point in your life.

I forget sometimes, what matters to me; I forget that my friends and my family mattered so much that I put myself aside and completely disappeared within the dysfunction that only those relationships offer. I needed autonomy. I needed to form my own identity that was mine and mine alone. I needed me. And this year, far from the home I once knew, here I am. Still, in the echo of silence, as the holidays run amuck inside of me, I forget sometimes, how much I have valued those relationships in my life. In truth, I valued them far more than I ever valued myself. However, in my constant struggle within those ties, I ripped those relationships from me in a way that I can no longer from myself.

You know when you pull away so far and things get so lost that you find yourself completely alone on a journey you wanted to take your whole life, but never prepared for it in reality? Then, BOOM you are on your way and you have walked so far down that path that going back no longer exists? People always say, “be careful what you wish for”. Well, fuck, telling someone like me that is so impulsive that, never sinks in, never really is practiced and never really is understood, until right now in this moment.

I am not regretting my choices. I know that I have to take this one alone for as long as it takes for me to be at the place spiritual, emotional, and completely who I must be on this earth I walk. I did not imagine that this inner struggle would exist as strongly as it does. I thought on some level being apart from the family and friends I coveted would allow me to fully find myself.  It is like the spiritual monk who goes in a cave and dwells for years and then comes out and is worshipped by their tribe. Yeah, well, I am not a monk and my tribe has other shit to worry about than worshipping some bullshit they know is not real. I forgot what they all truly meant to me. I forgot what value they represented to me. I forgot how these values run so deep about family, they will never be taken from me completely. And how, during the holidays and during family gatherings, the absence I would feel would become deafening. That on my journey, those memories are so loud, I cannot even hear myself sometimes. I know, it seems simple, call them, reach out, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don’t require the typical generic advise here folks. I am just feeling though it all. And in this moment the numb is all I can call upon for comfort. The hot, lava volcano is stirring and I know the fire will spew out, but right now, I am just floating above it; as usual, just to get through it, without it completely consuming me.

I am sure on many levels that is why I am fascinated by some external pain. I feel like, ‘whip my ass’, so I can feel damn it. No, not You, the one behind You that hides, yeah, You. But that is just a theory at this point. Fuck, maybe I would totally lose control being whipped and well, trust me; maybe a motherfucker would have to watch the fuck out. The warrior is a tough bitch and she scares me, but then again, sometimes I like to be scared. I do feel in this year, I have found a truth that is mine and mine alone. Despite all the masks I wear, I don’t have to put them on for the 1 person share my daily life with, Christina. She knows this me that I have always wanted to be and well, that has me smiling in this moment. I am not completely alone; we are on this island of hope. Not gripping onto one another, but joining each other in our lives. And yes, contrary to popular belief, joining your child is much more healthy than having them join you.

I think if your life is filled with dysfunctional relationships, at some point you have to be strong enough to walk away. Not just for self-preservation, but self-realization, self-actualization. I am starting to celebrate the memories of those that once held a valued place in my life and have hope that one day, they will join me in my life when it is better for me. Currently, I know, I am too weak not to get sucked up and drained completely of all the energy and person I have become to even think about the possibility of contact. Feels hollow. Feels surreal, and yet, I still continue on my island of hope, growing and learning about the things that matter to me now.