I find this possibility alluring if nothing else. The closest I have ever had, were glimpses at a truth I failed to fully surrender to. I had will if nothing else, right?

I am recently thinking of no will, complete surrender. You know the kind, that in the face of such fear, you have no choice but to surrender your will to it. It had me thinking, where would that take me? I mean where would I end up? Could I take it? I mean, hell, I am STEEL if nothing else, how does a steel girl, surrender? You guessed it, takes a badass motherfucker I would imagine to help me surrender this will I covet. And yet I rise, baby, with this thought everyday.

I have surrendered unto myself completely. I know, all the identities that lie within. Deep inside. I know myself in ways, I forget. I know that I can cry, but don’t do it honestly. I know I can feel pain, but don’t feel it honestly. I lie. I cheat. Myself mostly. But sometimes the people that love me. And that is a pain, I hold deep inside, because somewhere along the line, I stopped trying to please everyone in my life who wanted me to be something I am no longer able to be. My friends, my family, only those that read this sparingly have glimpsed into the me this whole year. Not because they haven’t tried, because I have failed to listen anymore. I am sick of what I had become. I am ready for what I am to be. Just a lump of clay. Needing the hot fire to burn me into this exquisite piece of art I have waited to be for so long.

How do you practice a surrender you never allow yourself to do, let alone live? You train, you train your mind, you train your body and you train your heart, to withstand whatever is to become of this journey. In meditation, I learn about the deep secrets I dare not utter but know they are there. Whispering silent promises and broken dreams. I hear them. When I am still and face that fear. Leaves me comfortably numb to live out the day. And then, one day, something hits you and you know it came for a reason. This is no fucking season. This is something that calls to your subconscious, as it was there the whole time. FUCK. And you never heard it before, a foreigner in the mix. Freaks you totally out. Or… well never mind… it doesn’t matter what I am talking about really.

Tell me… if you had an opportunity to completely surrender… would you? And if you did, would you hold back for a minute?

One Response to “Surrender Concept”

1. paigeakamoviegirl99 says:

   03/09/2010 at 3:25 pm

   Hey girl. I just read all of your entries. you never cease to amaze me. keep it up!!
2. Weight Loss Programs » Blog Archive » 5 Steps Small to Large Weight Loss says:

   03/09/2010 at 6:05 pm

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