‘Integrity, Morality, Honor, Justice, Peace, Humanity’; I feel those integrating in my conscience, given my recent revelations. What do I make of those words, the words that have been so absent in my life in way of practice and being? I do value those words. Value them despite my own self.  Mark Halfon’s theory, published in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, on defining integrity in terms of moral purpose embodies what I want to be truer in my life:

“Embrace a moral point of view that urges them to be conceptually clear, logically consistent, apprised of relevant empirical evidence, and careful about acknowledging as well as weighing relevant moral considerations. Persons of integrity impose these restrictions on themselves since they are concerned, not simply with taking any moral position, but with pursuing a commitment to do what is best.” (Halfon 1989)

My integrity in terms of my moral purpose is to create a sense of family that is inclusive of everyone. I sit and wonder, why? Why can’t we all just get along? Cliché, maybe, more like wishing for something more. The reality is that sometimes, the people in your family hurt you more than any of us would tolerate from anyone outside those walls. LOVE must be why we hurt the one’s we love the most. What may be truer is it is all we know; that to love someone is to hurt them or choose the dysfunction of hurting each other. I think we learn hate in our families. Someone recently said something to me that struck me as honest, “don’t tell me you love me, until you know what hate is”. Initial reaction renders you uncomfortable, it’s like you reject an obvious reality, the yin/yang of life. I have thought about that statement ever since it was made. I wrote my version of that statement:

“Don’t tell me you love me, until you know what hate is. Simply done, not uncommon, but not found. In the simplicity of synchronicity, the duplicity, of knowing something that is hate, the thing we create, experiencing the pain, allowing it to run over your like a train, removing the memory from your brain, somehow still connecting to what is real. We all know how to deal, the reality of the hate. Tell me you love me, with knowing what hate is vulnerable, the teardrop said to the sky, and it is I, it is I.”.

I think my integral morality, is founded in family because it was something I craved growing up. Truth, I was writing explicit porn at age 7 and had a small following in the little ghetto flats that stood before the burnt pine forest, until one day, my brother got a copy. No more porn peddling for me. Damn the man. Immediately, I do think of sex when thinking of the human condition and it’s existence, especially my own. Maybe some defunct morality I caught on my way to truth, Justice and surreal dream unknown. It is either that or getting back on this damn Effexor XR is making me horny. Be warned, Effexor XR is an excellent mood regulator, but it is like, “you are all ready to go, but can’t cum”. A person could put an eye out if they weren’t highly skilled. And yes, my eyeball hurts a little and I am in fact wearing an eye patch.

I think relating to others on an intimate level sexually, holds a lot of truth about your own nature. You know, that primal encoded nature. One thing is for sure; my integrity as it relates to sex and my sexual body, is seated firmly. Or at least I have been known to dabble in Shakta Tantra every now and then. Which somehow distorts and turns more into something resembling Neopaganism. Instead of harnessing the energy for some whacked-out deity, I have used it for my own pleasure or charms, whatever works, right? Crimes of the flesh, we have all been there on some level. To actually practice the Shakta with integrity, well, that would be the Quan wouldn’t it?! I think so. That is a beautiful practice and maybe puts into perspective my point, which is that our sexual bodies contain energy and information that is key to our nature.